Coffee Convo

Non-fiction, Personal, Writing

Ok, so it’s not really a coffee this time. It’s actually a green tea with honey and an asiago bagel but that’s only because it’s 8,000 degrees here today and I couldn’t be bothered to drink anything that wasn’t refreshing. It’s only May and I’m already so over sun. I mean I’m not asking for 7 foot snow again, I would just like it if it was always 60 degrees and cloudy.

Since I am posting regularly again I figured I should give you a bit of an update and since I haven’t done a coffee convo in a hot minute, I figured I would share my asiago bagel with you all.

For starters, I am turning 20 in a few weeks which feels bizarre. A lot of me still feels like I’m only 14 and the other part of me is coming to terms with the fact that my sister graduates in a couple days. YES MAISY JAM HAS A HIGH SCHOOL DIPLOMA. I’m honestly probably more proud of her than I was of myself. She works insanely hard and is also incredibly smart in ways I have never been and I can’t wait to see where her life takes her now that she has been released from prison/the public school system.

Summer has also officially begun which means lots of plans are being made. I am making a trip to Idaho over the 4th of July with my family as well as trying to figure out all of the logistics of moving, which, if everything goes to plan, should be happening in late August.

My asiago bagel and tea

My asiago bagel and green tea.

I’m trying to find time to spend with all the people I’ve known for years as well as make connections with new people and it really brings to light just how many people come and go in your life. There are people that I still have genuine love for that I haven’t seen in years. It really puts into perspective how much time we set aside for things that don’t give us the love that family and friends give. We put work, money, and material things over interactions that could change our lives and that’s crazy to me.

I haven’t been reading hardly at all this year, which is frustrating because there’s so much I’ve been wanting to read. I think I need to work more on prioritizing the things I love over the things I have to do. I put work over a lot of things, and while I do generally like my job, My life has taught me that I need to make time to do things I like because, I don’t get to re-do life, and I should probably spend it doing things I love.

I’m also working on not caring what other people think about my life. I generally don’t care what others think when it comes to the way I look or act, especially when it comes to strangers. Lately though, I’ve been focusing on not needing validation from the people I’m close to. Even the people I love aren’t going to understand me and I need to accept that and be ok with it.

These are just a couple things that have been thinking about lately. If you have anything to add, I always appreciate your comments and messages, and if you want to see more photos like the one in this post, please follow me on instagram @avejam_ . Thank you for reading and you will hear from me on Monday!

– Avery

Gemini Season

Writing

Hello all, and welcome back to averyjam.com, where I have once again returned after lying to you all about posting more. This blog is like your shit dad; full of false promises. Today however, I return filled with ideas and energy. Why? Because it’s Gemini season bitches.

For those of you who aren’t amateur astrologists like myself, Gemini Season is the period of time between May 21st and June 21st when every Gemini was born. While the rest of the astrological signs are probably gasping in horror at the rise of probably the most unstable sign, as a June 10th Gemini I am excited to see what the coming month holds.

Geminis get a bad wrap. We’re the most hated sign for reasons we don’t even know. Words that are often used to characterize Gemini’s are extroverted, two faced, sharp, and flighty. I think these words describe a very specific type of Gemini. Most of us are not talkative mega bitches.

I for one, am a very introverted Gemini. Just because I get along well with people doesn’t mean I like to be around people. I just find it very easy to cater my personality to others and make connections quickly. Beyond that, I’m very isolated and don’t really seek out human interaction. I don’t get along well with Pisces (with the exception of one) and I tend to have issues with Aries too. I get along really well with Capricorns and Scorpios and most other signs I’m pretty neutral with. I don’t personally think i’m a two-faced bitch, I think I’m just a multi-faceted bitch, and don’t even get me started on the irony of being a Gemini with Bipolar.

Anyway, in the name of the season, I thought it would be fun to give you all a little horoscope for the month: (Disclaimer: These are based entirely on people I know and not actually based on any real astrology at all, so take them lightly. Actually maybe just take all astrology pretty lightly.)

Avery’s Horrorscopes:

Aries: You’re planning on making some big moves this month. Tread carefully because you tend to fuck things up and this time it’s important that you don’t.

Taurus: You’re super boring. Please go find some Gemini’s and actually do some stuff this month.

Gemini: It’s our month! take time to bond with other Gemini’s and also reach out to people who may need a friend. Unless you’re Donald Trump…If you’re Trump then this month consider resigning from office.

Cancer: I don’t know any Cancers so I guess keep doing what you’re doing?

Leo: You have been really brave this past month. Take a break to relax and breathe this month.

Virgo: Stop crying. seriously.

Libra: We get that sometimes you can’t help out, It’s okay to not do everything.

Scorpio: You’re about to reach a huge milestone. Don’t let it slow you down and keep up the momentum

Sagittarius: Bring your new cat to Billings. Specifically to my house in Billings..

Capricorn: It might be difficult to adjust back into daily life. Keep looking forward to new goals.

Aquarius: go befriend some Gemini’s. This is the one month we probably won’t fuck it up.

Pisces: Stop being a dick. Alternatively: you’re great. never change.

and now for my favorite zodiac meme:

gem

Thanks for reading! see you Wednesday!

-Avery

 

 

The Ice That Cracks In Your Lungs

Personal, poetry, Writing

So this is the first compilation of poetry that I wrote for second semester. I hope you enjoy!

Winter

I’m feeling a lot.

The icy numbness melting.

This is almost worse.

 

Which way would hurt less?

Feeling no pain or all of it?

 

Mermaid

Stuck underwater.

Voices of those above speak,

Muffled without pain.

 

Why can’t anyone care when

I can’t ever seem to stop.

 

She go lost somewhere

Now she only floats around,

Faking who she was.

 

Poem for a Yandere

Standing there across the yard,

A girl with a knife in her hands.

 

Slowly stepping closer,

This girl holds your life in her hands.

 

Imagining sticky red blood flowing out,

Veins pouring into her hands.

 

Seeing pain mirrored in her eyes,

Memories of you holding her hands.

 

Coming to hurt you like you hurt her,

Heart barely beating in her hands.

 

It’s too bad you didn’t think to call,

Her phone sitting silently in her hands.

 

It’s too bad no one will help you now

Today you die by my hands.
Ouch.

That’s my heart lying on the floor.

A limp organ pulsing unsteadily

Dripping in a puddle of my blood.

 

Sticky and

Dirty and

Oh so alone.

 

That’s my empty chest cavity.

A hole gorged where that heart was

My ribcage

 

Cracked and

Bruised and

Hurting to breathe.

 

Pick it up.

Force that ugly thing back in your chest

Choke through the pain in your lungs

 

But I can’t and

It wont fit and

This hole is too big to be filled.

 

Who’s gruesome heart is that.

Filled with swollen veins.

How’d it get so torn up and cold.

 

The scars and

The aches and

My heart still lying on the floor.
Have Fun Throwing Your Petty Little Fucking Fit Avery

 

New Message: sorry the only thing

You have to deal with is

 

Mental illness. I’m sorry

Too, that I can’t function

Like a normal human but

 

Believe me when I say that

I wish I could take care of that

Baby that you leave alone instead

 

Of taking care of the crying child

That is my mind. Give me something

I can control. New message:

 

take your fake ass shit somewhere

else everyone sees through it anyways.

I wish I was faking, so I could feel

 

The pain your words are

Supposed to inflict but I don’t

And I won’t so

 

I hope you like being alone because

I do. It has become my home.
Vacation Pt. 1

It was raining

The rain dripping down the car window

Like the rain dripping down my cheeks

Mom staring with worry

 

Bright red emergency, and my hand being held

Like a small child who might wander

Sat in a chair as they pulled up sweater sleeves

sticking to severed skin with dried blood

 

Nurses eyes filled with pity

Led to a room and placed in a bed

Removed of clothing and belongings

Fragile, pale, staring at the ceiling

 

Hours passing

Eyes dry up and gasps grow silent

My brain feeling like it has melted

Green-blue scrubs on a shivering body.

 

Down the hall

Someone is crying in pain

The world continues around

But time stood still in my tiny room

 

Two in the morning

How are you feeling?

mom sits in the corner crying

I explain the feelings in the brain that turned against me

 

More waiting

Picking at scabs forming in long clean lines

It starts to rain again when I hear what I already knew for the past 5 years

We recommend you be committed.

Note From The Devil, My Lover

Dear you’re my human sacrifice

A gift to those in pain

Your sad solemn words that entice

Umbrellas protecting those in the rain.

 

Nothing you ever write is nice

Because you do it to sustain

To fight against the constant malice

That I stuck inside your brain.

 

How did it feel when you started to slice

When you pierced those precious veins

The blood that dripped from that vice

It left a very large stain.

 

Dear you’re my human sacrifice

Heart dark and deep and maimed

Happiness will never suffice

Because I made you to be insane.

 

Vacation Pt. 2

Eyes blurry, ears ringing

We’ll give you a minute to get ready

No phones allowed. your mom can bring more clothes the next day.

Here’s phone numbers and your socks, I promise you’ll be ok

 

Are you ready

You have to go in a wheelchair. Why? Because you’re sick.

Eyes filled with pity staring sadly at me

Skin becomes itchy. Ok I guess I’m ready

 

Through winding hallways

The nurse and the security guard talk about who didn’t come to work that day

Their lives so normal, and mine so crushed

Eyes glazed over but out of tears to cry

 

Nurse said I like your socks

My socks said bitches get stuff done

I didn’t get stuff done

If I had I wouldn’t be in this elevator

 

Finally sat in a dimly lit room

3 a.m. with rules set out in front of me

Paper titled “Your Fall Prevention Plan”

Too late for that, I’ve already hit the ground.

 

 

Holy Heck She Lives: Florida and Future Content

Personal, Travels

So I want to start by saying that it’s only been two months since I last posted which in comparison to some of my other hiatuses is not that long. However, after a spike of followers and a comment made by my Grandpa about how I should start posting again, I decided I should probably write this.

If you’re new here, welcome. please don’t leave, I promise to be better. I tell this to almost everyone in my life and it’s almost never true so do with that information what you will.

Over Easter, I took a trip to visit my grandparent’s in Florida where the weather was amazing and I didn’t have to go to work or school. Now I’m back in Montana, where I have to do all those things and it’s also snowing…in April. What the actual fuck Montana.

Here are some highlight’s from the trip:

In case you hadn’t noticed yet, I dyed my hair blonde.

Now that I’m back in Billings, it’s back to the daily grind of college which I actually haven’t attended in a few days because I feel empty and like lying in bed all day. (Wow Avery, you haven’t changed a bit.) I have decided that with the end of the school year coming up I will be posting every Monday, Friday, and Sunday and I have put it in writing here so you all can yell at me when I inevitably don’t post.

Some content I have on my to-do list includes:

  • A new coffee convo
  • College with depression
  • Books I’ve read so far this year
  • journal flip-through
  • 2nd semester poetry compilation

I love feedback so let me know what you would like to see next on the blog and also since their are so many new subscribers tell me something about yourself in the comments! Thank you for reading and I’ll see you on Monday!

Spring Jams

playlists, Writing

Some music for your rainy walks, warmer nights, and reading with the windows open.

  1. Get Away – Circa Waves
  2. DNA – Kendrick Lamar
  3. Pleaser – Wallows
  4. Watercolour Envy – Phoebe Green
  5. I’m Sorry (feat. shiloh) – Swell
  6. Fur Hildegard von Bingen – Devendra Banhart
  7. Chanel – Frank Ocean
  8. Bonfire – Brenky
  9. Portrait In Black And Blue – King Krule
  10. Party Talk – Craft Spells
  11. Beast – Aldous Harding

Spring, for me, is very in between. Between being happy and sad, and with the way the year has gone so far I find myself feeling very hesitant. As the sun comes out, I am taking baby steps into the light. I learn new things about myself, as the earth is once again learning how to grow.

My advice for the week: Let people in. Solitude feels comfortable but it’s the uncomfortable, first gatherings with new friends that create memories and contentment.

Enjoy the cloudy days, the sunny ones, and enjoy Kendrick Lamar’s new album because that man is a poet.

“I don’t love people enough to put my faith in man.”

“The hurt becomes repetition, the love almost lost that.”

– Pride – Kendrick Lamar