Turning 20

Personal, Writing

Almost 20 years I’ve been on this planet and I’m still sitting by idiots in coffee shops, that are trying to explain why the earth is flat. It’s definitely round. Just so we’re all clear on that. Last year for my birthday I wrote a poem about being 19 so, because I am feeling less creative this year but still wanted to make it a yearly thing, here is a list of 20 things I learned in the past decade.

  1. The earth is flat. JUST KIDDING. But if people believe that they’re not going to change they’re minds so don’t even bother trying to explain it.
  2. That goes for most things that people believe.
  3. Don’t punch cars. You won’t win, the car will.
  4. If you’re trying to decide between getting coffee or getting to school on time, always pick getting coffee.
  5. School is hard once it’s not required.
  6.  The best way to make friends is to message them and hang out with them until they just eventually adapt to your annoying presence.
  7. You can’t tell your car is making a weird noise if you turn your music up louder.
  8. Time goes by very slowly and very quickly at the same time.
  9. People leave but they also usually get replaced by new people.
  10. I don’t know it all. Just most of it.
  11. People can make you feel like shit to the point where eventually you just are shit.
  12. Ice cream fixes most things, except your triglyceride levels.
  13. If someone hits you, always hit back
  14. Boys are actually stupid. No joke.
  15. Love is an even worse disease than life.
  16. Music helps always.
  17. Healing is never linear.
  18. Pain is never permanent.
  19. Pretending to be something you’re not is exhausting and hardly ever worth it. Unless it’s Halloween or something I guess.
  20. The only person responsible for your pain and healing is you.

While I can’t say I’m looking forward to the next decade, I can say I’m willing to live it. I can also say that I am thankful for the stuff the past ten years has brought me. From a “gap toothed” 10 year old to a “gap toothed because she broke her retainer shortly after getting her braces off” adult, I’m a completely different person with a completely different perspective on life. I’m sure that when I turn 30 I’ll say the exact same thing because I think that all life really is, is learning and moving on.

 

Playlist: Getting Over It

playlists, Writing

My theme words for the past few months have been “Get Over It.” I even put them on the newest update of my vision board. I like this mantra because sometimes in life you just have to move on from things regardless of whether or not you’re ready. Here’s a playlist and my favorite lyrics for moving on from the things and people life did or didn’t give you.

  1. Darling Don’t – Silver : “Darling don’t pull me back into your gravity.”
  2. Ready Yet – Sasha Sloan : “I just want to be your friend again but there’s some shit I can’t forget, I don’t think I’m ready yet.”
  3. Howl – Declan McKenna : “I don’t care for attention that much.”
  4. Pepsi / Coke Suicide – Elvis Depressely : “Truest love, void on fire, you have haunted my desire.”
  5. Hurt – Sasha Sloan : “I probably shouldn’t sleep over, ’cause I know that I’m making it worse.
  6. Life Time Warranty – Cyberbully Mom Club : “I regret to inform you that I am not the girl you knew.”
  7. Empty – Kevin Abstract : “I love my mom, I hate my boyfriend.”
  8. Dreams – Wet : “Some days just aren’t good for anything at all.”
  9. SAD! – XXXTENTACION : “Who am I? Someone that’s afraid to let go.”
  10. Be Careful – Cardi B : “Poured out my whole heart to a piece of shit.”
  11. Softens – Wet : “And you’ll need it most in the dark in the dead of the night.”
  12. Thank Your God – The Forestry : “So I’ll change my hair and get a tattoo, to remind myself I’m forgetting you.”
  13. Congratulations – MGMT : “I’d rather dissolve than have you ignore me.”
  14. Better – Mallrat : “At the time it was alright, but looking back I hurt my eyes.”
  15. It’s hard to get around the wind – Alex Turner : “And you can shriek until you’re hollow, or whisper it the other way.”
  16. “Sober – Childish Gambino : “And now that it’s over I’ll never be sober.”
  17. Up Up & Away – Kid Cudi : “They gon’ judge me anyway so whatever.”
  18. Mad Sounds – Arctic Monkeys : “Make you feel all right. They bring you back to life.”
  19. Same Drugs – Chance The Rapper : “Just remember happy thoughts.”
  20. Habits – Tove Lo : “Your gone and I gotta stay high all the time to keep you off my mind.”
  21. 1998 – Chet Faker : “Is it absurd for me to hurt?”
  22. Call Out My Name – The Weeknd : “I almost cut a piece of myself for your life.”
  23. Helena Beat – Foster The People : “Yea Yea and it’s ok.”
  24. 17 – Youth Lagoon – “My mother said to me, don’t stop imagining. The day that you do is the day that you die.”
  25. Feeling Ok – Best Coast : “When I get down, I get so down, but I’ll keep trying to stay this way.”

This playlist can also be found on my Spotify which can be found on the other links page.

Seeds: poetry collection

poetry, Writing

Overgrown

Sometimes my brain gets too crowded and my thoughts start pouring

out of my ears.

They land on my shoulders and drip down my skin to embed themselves

along my spine.

A thought pressed under my skin to sit against my vertebrae and to grow

among goosebumps.

Mushrooms crawl up my back nourished by my bone marrow.

Vines crawl over my shoulders to wrap around my ribs.

Thorns stem from my collarbones to make sure no one can get in

to the body garden grown from my thoughts.

The hair on my arms stands on end as it turns into blades of grass.

My fingers sprout dandelions

and forget-me-nots sprout from my toes.

My breasts grow bleeding hearts

and honey drips from my nose.

Bees live here now, and beetles and moths.

They crawl around my stomach lining,

up my throat,

and out my mouth.

My heart slowly turns a tulip bulb and my brain’s a clump of poison ivy.

Ring Around The Bathtub

If you ran your hands down, they would roll along small hills

Bump bump bump bump

The contours of my back bone

Weak, warped, and sharp like knives

Don’t cut yourself on my lethal body

Let the water run down the stretched translucent canvas

Blue lines painted in textured brush strokes

Paint running down the shower drain

Humanity swirling down the shower drain

Clumps of hair clogging the shower drain

Dark spiders plucked out of my skull

Leaving paste white bone showing

Through the hole in my head.

Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk

Beat up sneakers hit the pavement

In an uneven rhythm matching the beat

Flowing through the earbuds

That no one else can hear

Chilled wind painting a blush

Over her freckled face

Kicking rocks across the street

Sleeves pulled down over her hands

Walking into the corner gas station

Going to the very back of the store

And getting the chocolate coffee in a can

Pulls her debit card out of her pack of camels

She takes a cigarette out at the stop light

Cups her hand around her lighter

To keep it safe from the breeze

She inhales deeply

Nicotine fills her lungs

Cigarette smoke clouds her thoughts

The taste of ash sticky on her tongue

Mentally feeling her body rot

She cracks open the can of coffee

And swallows the sweet syrup

Inhaling the caffeine her body runs on

Ashing her cigarette on the ground

Caffeine and nicotine

Cigarettes and chocolate milk.

Recurring Ache

the knowing,

you’ll never be mine is the hard part.

The absolute sureness that I will never touch your naked back.

Connecting the constellations of freckles along your spine,

The knowledge that I will never hold you

or kiss your tear stained face when you cry.

I’ll never get to see the sun hit your body just right

as your laying next to me with your eyes closed.

Never get to run my fingers through your hair

until it gives me all your secrets.

The ache

that sits in my ribs for you nestled right next to my heart.

House Guest

I hate that my body has learned to accommodate pain

It walks into me and I ask it if it would like a glass of water.

I exhaust myself trying to figure out what it needs

Doing everything I can to keep it from becoming enraged and taking over again

@baby_caleb

After a full blown facebook investigation

I found your Snapchat and added you.

And you added me back

Your Facebook is depressing

You’re a real sadboi ™

See: that’s an example of the correct use of you’re and your

Which according to Facebook, you don’t understand

But you’re real cute

Even though your teeth are crooked

It’s ok mine have a gap

I want to tell you I’ll be your friend

I want to tell you I think your the most beautiful boy

I want to tell you that it could be worse.

You could be me.

In person I said

“I have annoyingly thick hair but it falls out in clumps from anxiety”

I don’t know why I said it but you said

“Me too”

I want to tell you a lot of things but instead

I just asked if you had to work today.

You haven’t opened my message yet

Satan’s Poster Child

The disgust in your voice when you say the words “cancer stick”

As if you think it can change me.

As if I didn’t already know

The concern in your eyes as you explain the importance of your god

My blank eyes staring back at you

So you can look through and see the hollow soul.

I bet they tried to tell Lucifer how to live too

Your help is judgement

Making me fall farther from your heaven

Satan’s poster child.

Heaving through hell and back

Long black nails curling around your throat

If you tell me one more time

I’m gonna die young

I already fucking know that and I wish it would happen today

So please climb up on your precious pedestal

I’m fine in fire

Sitting on my throne of cigarette cartons and bic lighters

Onyx horns protruding from my skull

Dressed in ash and lingerie

Making you all uncomfortable as I

Cry freely for no goddamn reason.

Spring Jams

playlists, Writing

Some music for your rainy walks, warmer nights, and reading with the windows open.

  1. Get Away – Circa Waves
  2. DNA – Kendrick Lamar
  3. Pleaser – Wallows
  4. Watercolour Envy – Phoebe Green
  5. I’m Sorry (feat. shiloh) – Swell
  6. Fur Hildegard von Bingen – Devendra Banhart
  7. Chanel – Frank Ocean
  8. Bonfire – Brenky
  9. Portrait In Black And Blue – King Krule
  10. Party Talk – Craft Spells
  11. Beast – Aldous Harding

Spring, for me, is very in between. Between being happy and sad, and with the way the year has gone so far I find myself feeling very hesitant. As the sun comes out, I am taking baby steps into the light. I learn new things about myself, as the earth is once again learning how to grow.

My advice for the week: Let people in. Solitude feels comfortable but it’s the uncomfortable, first gatherings with new friends that create memories and contentment.

Enjoy the cloudy days, the sunny ones, and enjoy Kendrick Lamar’s new album because that man is a poet.

“I don’t love people enough to put my faith in man.”

“The hurt becomes repetition, the love almost lost that.”

– Pride – Kendrick Lamar

Missoula

Travels, Writing

March 19th and 20th:

About a month ago I found out that one of my all time favorite musicians, Lady Lamb was coming to play a show in Missoula.

If you don’t know anything about Montana, you should know that the only place popular artists really come to play in Montana is Missoula and occasionally Billings. Very occasionally.

I had to see her perform. I have a painting of her on my wall it would be a waste of an opportunity to not  go. I found a friend (the same friend mentioned a few blog posts ago) and we started planning a road trip.

Biggest problem: I was the only one with a licence and had never driven on a highway before. My ultimate decision was to just wing it and hope that we didn’t get in a crash.

It is truly a miracle that my car didn’t break down. I drive a 1993 Mitsubishi and I was honestly amazed that it could even go 80 mph. The only issue with the car that we really had, was not being able to go above 65 mph on an incline. After about an hour I was comfortable with driving on the highway and we were on our way.

We stopped in Columbus and Rocker for snacks and made it to Missoula in about 5 hours. Driving across Montana is just driving past a bunch of grass and trees and the occasional mountain. Things don’t get that interesting until the Butte pass. [I feel like I should insert a map here for people that don’t know Montana geography.]

montana

This is Montana.

When we got to Missoula I picked an exit at random and happened to end up right by our hotel. We checked into the hotel, got ready for the concert and then we went to dinner at 5 guys.

I’m a vegetarian and why doesn’t every fast food joint have a grilled cheese option!? That is absolute genius. If your vegetarianism is similar to mine than your favorite foods are bread and cheese and FAST FOOD GRILLED CHEESE IS EXACTLY WHAT YOU NEED. Still waiting on those fast food vegan options though I guess.

image3 (7)

The elusive fast food grilled cheese.

After that, we headed to the venue, which was a coffee shop and once again was conveniently located right by the hotel. The coffee shop was set up with string lights and blankets and gave off a very cozy vibe. Within an hour the space had filled with around 25 people and the concert began. Lady Lamb was beautiful her voice sounded just like it does on her records which is rare these days and her music was so authentic.

Right before she played her last song she talked to the audience about what her new album “Tender Warriors Club” meant. She talked a lot about what it means to be sensitive during hard times, not only in your personal life but in the world as well. With the current political climate it is often times had to remember to care for the things you stand up for instead of just fighting for the things you’re against.

This last month has been a bumpy one for me. After being in and then back out of a psychiatric unit I am still trying to find a way for my mind to work through it. I think I will write about it at some point, but right now I don’t have the guts. Lady Lamb reminded me that that’s ok. She reminded me that it’s okay to just exist with those feelings. Be brave, be a “tender warrior” and live your life to the fullest even if there is still a bit of a monster inside of you.

I cried at the show. After it was over we went and bought some merch and met her and then we headed back to the hotel. We ate snacks all night and talked about how magnificent the show was and how we felt about our lives currently. The answer was good mostly.

The next morning we unwillingly got out of bed for the five hour drive back to billings. After a stop for breakfast at green source and another stop at a gas station we were on our way.

Processed with VSCO with hb1 preset

Green Source Acai Bowl

The trip was one of the only ones I’ve been on by myself and I felt so good the entire time. It’s trips like these that ease my mind and the numbness I sometimes build in myself to keep me safe.

Playlist: Summer Daze

playlists, Writing

There are some songs that just go with certain seasons and these ones are for summer. Keep the summer in you for as long as possible.

  1. King of the Beach – Wavves
  2. The Only Place- Best Coast
  3. The Pool- Hollows
  4. The Mountain – Professor Murder
  5. 1904 – The Tallest Man On Earth
  6. Beach Porn – The Frights
  7. West Coast- FIDLAR
  8. Days – The Drums
  9. Feel It All Around – Washed Out
  10.  My Sunshine- Ty Segall
  11. King of The World – First Aid Kit
  12. Radio Bikini – The Vaccines
  13. For The Feel – Bleached
  14. Steal My Sunshine – Len
  15. The Worst Guys – Childish Gambino