Crushed

Personal, Writing

So Valentines Day was on Thursday, as I’m sure you were made aware by the thousands of posts of your friends bragging about how great their significant other is and how many Valentines Days they have shared up until this one. It is both the sweetest and most lonely day of the year depending on what your relationship status is.

I for one have always liked Valentines Day. Mostly because my favorite color combination is pink and red, (if you couldn’t tell from this websites theme) but also because I like stationary and any excuse to complain about how sad I am. I could be writing a very negative post about love and how big of a scam it is, but the thing is relationships are work and I think it’s good that there is a day where people can share the amount of work they put into being with another human. Due to my lack of hostility towards the holiday, I have decided to share with you a few stories about crushes I’ve had from childhood up until now. Please prepare for second hand embarrassment. I’ve changed these boys’ names for the sake of their privacy.

Fifth Grade: I’m sure I had crushes before this one, but this is the first one I have any real memory of. Let me set the scene. Fifth grade Avery was the kind of kid who cried when she forgot her homework, and volunteered to read out loud in class. I wore hot pink on an almost daily basis and pretty much thought I was the shit. I’m sure this was due to constantly being told I was “gifted” by my teachers I was a quiet kid and generally avoided other kids besides my group of close friends. I remember the day he walked into our class. He was a new student and I thought he was beautiful. Looking back on it, that was probably just because he wasn’t one of the boys I had known since Kindergarten. He was also Hispanic which was only the second highest minority in our school. He was special. We’ll call him Anthony. Anthony got sat next to me because he would never shut up, so my teacher decided to put him at the shy kid’s table. I also think my teacher knew I had a crush on him. I was never good at being subtle. Nothing ever happened between us because he was dating one of the more popular girls in our class. I remember the pain I felt when I saw him holding her hand at recess. I thought she was much more mature than I was because she was allowed to wear spaghetti strap tank tops. He moved away when we started middle school and I never saw him again. Well, until my friend sent me an article with his mugshot saying he was going to jail for robbing a casino… I did always like the bad boys. I talked to another boy that I went to elementary school with a while back that visits him, and he says he’s doing alright.

Eight Grade: Literally the worst year for teenagers going through puberty. I was heavily into “the theatre” at this point in my life. I was still riding that smart kid wave, and was just starting to realize maybe wearing gummy bear earrings wasn’t cool. I had a crush on this boy named Max. I’ll use his real name because we became actual friends after all this and I know he won’t care. Nobody is cool in eighth grade okay! He was a huge nerd, but we were in a play together and he was just the first non-gay boy to talk to me, which my brain equated to him being the cutest thing ever. I think he somehow got talked into liking me back and he asked me out on a date. We went and saw the Hunger Games (how 2011 of us) and my parents had to drive us. My sister and her friends sat right behind us and he left in the middle of it to answer a call from our other friend. We held very clammy hands and his parents dropped me off. Still the only actual first date I ever went on. Scarred me for life apparently. After that I stopped talking to him at school because I was too shy and two weeks later, we tragically broke up. I cringe every time I think about it. Two years later he told me he never liked me at all and started dating one of my best friends probably a year after that. Now our only real connection is that we probably speak the same level of French. He turned out good I think. His girlfriend now is very pretty and nice, and I think they live in Seattle or something.

Ninth Grade: Get ready for the cringiest story of all. I was a freshman in high school, developing a serious mental disorder, and had maybe two friends total. I had lost the gummy bear earrings but was still decidedly weird to most other students. I was paired up with a boy in French class, (that Max was also in) we’ll call him…Billy. Billy was probably as tall as me and I was only 5′ tall at the time. He was a wrestler, very disruptive in class, and also always grumpy because he couldn’t eat in order to stay in his weight class or something. DEFINITELY NOT MY TYPE but I didn’t have a type then (or standards apparently) so I decided I liked him. Our first ever winter formal was coming up and it was also a TWERP so the girls had to ask the guys. I was much too shy to ask him but my extroverted theater friend wasn’t! So she walked up to him at lunch and said, “If Avery asked you to formal would you go with her?” and I kid you not, he said “ew, no.” Then I had to go to French right after and pretend I didn’t know she asked him and that my heart was not shattered. I didn’t go to the formal…or any school dance ever. Except some alternative dance that took place in a kid’s parent’s airplane hanger, and now that I think about it I’m pretty sure I went to that with Max and his then girlfriend. Billings is a small town okay.

Tenth Grade: This crush was probably the defining crush for my current (horrible) taste in men which is the only reason I’m including it. We’ll call him David. He was and still is the prettiest boy I’ve ever seen. He was endearing and charming. He was also really nice to me which I appreciated and at this point in my life really needed. I would see him everyday at lunch with our mutual friends and then again when I walked home past the smoking alley. I was completely sober then and he had been addicted to drugs for years. He really liked Futurama, Kid Cudi, and he held a sadness inside him that a lot of people never saw. I was pretty open about the fact that I hated my life at this point, so I saw right past it but I think a lot of people never saw how bad he was getting. I only knew him for a year before he disappeared. I found out later that he had ended up in rehab and was completely clean. He showed up at a Halloween party, I was having years later, and he seemed really good. I think he lives in the mountains now with a dog.

There you go, those are four of my most memorable crushes. Of course there are way more, and I only talked about one of my actual boyfriends but these are the ones that make me laugh when I think about them. It’s strange how much people change and how many times they pop up in your life without you even thinking of it. Happy Valentines Day.