Seeds: poetry collection

poetry, Writing

Overgrown

Sometimes my brain gets too crowded and my thoughts start pouring

out of my ears.

They land on my shoulders and drip down my skin to embed themselves

along my spine.

A thought pressed under my skin to sit against my vertebrae and to grow

among goosebumps.

Mushrooms crawl up my back nourished by my bone marrow.

Vines crawl over my shoulders to wrap around my ribs.

Thorns stem from my collarbones to make sure no one can get in

to the body garden grown from my thoughts.

The hair on my arms stands on end as it turns into blades of grass.

My fingers sprout dandelions

and forget-me-nots sprout from my toes.

My breasts grow bleeding hearts

and honey drips from my nose.

Bees live here now, and beetles and moths.

They crawl around my stomach lining,

up my throat,

and out my mouth.

My heart slowly turns a tulip bulb and my brain’s a clump of poison ivy.

Ring Around The Bathtub

If you ran your hands down, they would roll along small hills

Bump bump bump bump

The contours of my back bone

Weak, warped, and sharp like knives

Don’t cut yourself on my lethal body

Let the water run down the stretched translucent canvas

Blue lines painted in textured brush strokes

Paint running down the shower drain

Humanity swirling down the shower drain

Clumps of hair clogging the shower drain

Dark spiders plucked out of my skull

Leaving paste white bone showing

Through the hole in my head.

Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk

Beat up sneakers hit the pavement

In an uneven rhythm matching the beat

Flowing through the earbuds

That no one else can hear

Chilled wind painting a blush

Over her freckled face

Kicking rocks across the street

Sleeves pulled down over her hands

Walking into the corner gas station

Going to the very back of the store

And getting the chocolate coffee in a can

Pulls her debit card out of her pack of camels

She takes a cigarette out at the stop light

Cups her hand around her lighter

To keep it safe from the breeze

She inhales deeply

Nicotine fills her lungs

Cigarette smoke clouds her thoughts

The taste of ash sticky on her tongue

Mentally feeling her body rot

She cracks open the can of coffee

And swallows the sweet syrup

Inhaling the caffeine her body runs on

Ashing her cigarette on the ground

Caffeine and nicotine

Cigarettes and chocolate milk.

Recurring Ache

the knowing,

you’ll never be mine is the hard part.

The absolute sureness that I will never touch your naked back.

Connecting the constellations of freckles along your spine,

The knowledge that I will never hold you

or kiss your tear stained face when you cry.

I’ll never get to see the sun hit your body just right

as your laying next to me with your eyes closed.

Never get to run my fingers through your hair

until it gives me all your secrets.

The ache

that sits in my ribs for you nestled right next to my heart.

House Guest

I hate that my body has learned to accommodate pain

It walks into me and I ask it if it would like a glass of water.

I exhaust myself trying to figure out what it needs

Doing everything I can to keep it from becoming enraged and taking over again

@baby_caleb

After a full blown facebook investigation

I found your Snapchat and added you.

And you added me back

Your Facebook is depressing

You’re a real sadboi ™

See: that’s an example of the correct use of you’re and your

Which according to Facebook, you don’t understand

But you’re real cute

Even though your teeth are crooked

It’s ok mine have a gap

I want to tell you I’ll be your friend

I want to tell you I think your the most beautiful boy

I want to tell you that it could be worse.

You could be me.

In person I said

“I have annoyingly thick hair but it falls out in clumps from anxiety”

I don’t know why I said it but you said

“Me too”

I want to tell you a lot of things but instead

I just asked if you had to work today.

You haven’t opened my message yet

Satan’s Poster Child

The disgust in your voice when you say the words “cancer stick”

As if you think it can change me.

As if I didn’t already know

The concern in your eyes as you explain the importance of your god

My blank eyes staring back at you

So you can look through and see the hollow soul.

I bet they tried to tell Lucifer how to live too

Your help is judgement

Making me fall farther from your heaven

Satan’s poster child.

Heaving through hell and back

Long black nails curling around your throat

If you tell me one more time

I’m gonna die young

I already fucking know that and I wish it would happen today

So please climb up on your precious pedestal

I’m fine in fire

Sitting on my throne of cigarette cartons and bic lighters

Onyx horns protruding from my skull

Dressed in ash and lingerie

Making you all uncomfortable as I

Cry freely for no goddamn reason.

Missoula

Travels, Writing

March 19th and 20th:

About a month ago I found out that one of my all time favorite musicians, Lady Lamb was coming to play a show in Missoula.

If you don’t know anything about Montana, you should know that the only place popular artists really come to play in Montana is Missoula and occasionally Billings. Very occasionally.

I had to see her perform. I have a painting of her on my wall it would be a waste of an opportunity to not  go. I found a friend (the same friend mentioned a few blog posts ago) and we started planning a road trip.

Biggest problem: I was the only one with a licence and had never driven on a highway before. My ultimate decision was to just wing it and hope that we didn’t get in a crash.

It is truly a miracle that my car didn’t break down. I drive a 1993 Mitsubishi and I was honestly amazed that it could even go 80 mph. The only issue with the car that we really had, was not being able to go above 65 mph on an incline. After about an hour I was comfortable with driving on the highway and we were on our way.

We stopped in Columbus and Rocker for snacks and made it to Missoula in about 5 hours. Driving across Montana is just driving past a bunch of grass and trees and the occasional mountain. Things don’t get that interesting until the Butte pass. [I feel like I should insert a map here for people that don’t know Montana geography.]

montana

This is Montana.

When we got to Missoula I picked an exit at random and happened to end up right by our hotel. We checked into the hotel, got ready for the concert and then we went to dinner at 5 guys.

I’m a vegetarian and why doesn’t every fast food joint have a grilled cheese option!? That is absolute genius. If your vegetarianism is similar to mine than your favorite foods are bread and cheese and FAST FOOD GRILLED CHEESE IS EXACTLY WHAT YOU NEED. Still waiting on those fast food vegan options though I guess.

image3 (7)

The elusive fast food grilled cheese.

After that, we headed to the venue, which was a coffee shop and once again was conveniently located right by the hotel. The coffee shop was set up with string lights and blankets and gave off a very cozy vibe. Within an hour the space had filled with around 25 people and the concert began. Lady Lamb was beautiful her voice sounded just like it does on her records which is rare these days and her music was so authentic.

Right before she played her last song she talked to the audience about what her new album “Tender Warriors Club” meant. She talked a lot about what it means to be sensitive during hard times, not only in your personal life but in the world as well. With the current political climate it is often times had to remember to care for the things you stand up for instead of just fighting for the things you’re against.

This last month has been a bumpy one for me. After being in and then back out of a psychiatric unit I am still trying to find a way for my mind to work through it. I think I will write about it at some point, but right now I don’t have the guts. Lady Lamb reminded me that that’s ok. She reminded me that it’s okay to just exist with those feelings. Be brave, be a “tender warrior” and live your life to the fullest even if there is still a bit of a monster inside of you.

I cried at the show. After it was over we went and bought some merch and met her and then we headed back to the hotel. We ate snacks all night and talked about how magnificent the show was and how we felt about our lives currently. The answer was good mostly.

The next morning we unwillingly got out of bed for the five hour drive back to billings. After a stop for breakfast at green source and another stop at a gas station we were on our way.

Processed with VSCO with hb1 preset

Green Source Acai Bowl

The trip was one of the only ones I’ve been on by myself and I felt so good the entire time. It’s trips like these that ease my mind and the numbness I sometimes build in myself to keep me safe.

Maddy Evenson

Non-fiction, Personal, Writing

In the home/tiny apartment of my boyfriend’s 19 year old sister:

Maddy: like how long ago did you paint them?

Me: Like I just painted them

Maddy: God

Me: I had to have my dad get my keys out for me because I just…

Maddy: Oh Jesus god

Me: Ok, so start with your name and what you’re doing with your life.

Maddy: My name is Maddy Evenson and I go to school full time with a tiny job on the side

Me: Where do you go to school?

Maddy: MSUB

Me: What are you majoring in?

Maddy: Psychology.

Me: What’s your age and how do you feel about it?

Maddy: I’m 19, I’ll be 20 in September, and I feel very worried about turning 20 because in your twenties you’re supposed to get married and have kids and buy a house and I don’t know when I’m going to be done with all my school so that kind of worries me.

Me: You have an apartment so you’re like halfway there.

Maddy: Yea halfway there.

Me: What was your biggest challenge of becoming an adult.

Maddy: Um I’m really close to my mom so probably being away from her. I do get homesick even though I’m only a block away. That and managing money. I’m pretty good at it but when you live on your own you actually have to buy food and like kleenex which is stuff you don’t really think about when you live with your parents.

Me: That sounds terrible. Do you manage your boyfriends finances too?

Maddy: Yea, Chance isn’t very good at it, but I’m not one to talk I just bought a purse online and it was not cheap but it’s a collectors item.

Me: oooo. ok this is a very broad question, what is the biggest realization you’ve ever had?

Maddy: I guess in general, in life,  that I’ll probably be ok. As long as I stay with Chance and stick to my plan, my life will be ok.

Me: good realization. Now a much less serious question. What’s your favorite movie and why?

Maddy: I always say Easy A which is totally not my favorite movie now but I’ve put it down on so many things. I think she is so funny and I think the whole “I’m a whore” thing in highschool is so funny.

Me: Yea it’s the only movie that had anything to do with the scarlet letter, that was good.

Maddy: I need to read that book

Me: It’s terrible. I hated it.

Maddy: Yea it should be terrible, it’s a stupid thing to write about.

Me: What are some of your inspirations and why?

Maddy: well I would say something that inspires me currently is that if I work hard, I get good grades, and I do well then I will get a career that I enjoy. What you want to do is a big thing in adult hood too because you think about what you want to do and some people don’t know so it’s something you figure out.

Me: What is the best part about adulthood?

Maddy: the best part is that I don’t have to deal with family which sounds bad but i come home from work and instead of being quiet I can just do whatever.

Me: What is the worst part?

Maddy: The money part… I really shouldn’t have gotten that bag.

Me: What is one piece of of adult advice you have?

Maddy: Well if you and Zac go into the adulthood thing together, which I hope you do, just be nice to each other and be honest. I feel like it’s easier to do stuff in life if you have someone to do it with. Just be good to the person you spend your life with.